If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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