Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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