I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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