I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
