I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
