someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
