I want to walk on stilts...naked
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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