If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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