I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
