Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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