What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
