Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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