I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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