There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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