just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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