I'm so fucking centered right now
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
