The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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