Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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