New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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