3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
