I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Your dad touched me again.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
