just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
