just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
