Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Welp...herpes.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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