We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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