Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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