i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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