You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
