his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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