dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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