Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
