I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
