I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
