We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
