Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
