Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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