We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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