Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
