"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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