So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
