so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
