I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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