Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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