I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
