I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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