I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
