Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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