Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
