I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
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