I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The Olympian is in my bed
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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