I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You made out with two different species that night
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
