i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Are we still banned from the library?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
