when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
