Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
